Best Mazda Protege5 Ad Ever!

The Protege5 was the wagon (5 = five door) version of the Mazda Protege, a small car known for fantastic handling and only okay power. This is a good car, but the ad is the reason it’s here.

This is a 133K mile version with manual trans, which is great news, but the photos and quotes are even better. A few favorite quotes are immediately below, with photos after that. Needless to say, the Kim Jong Il photo is our favorite. Full ad text is, as always, at the bottom. Your humble host was just in Maui, but didn’t see this ad at the time.  Too bad…

“The beast now has two brand new front tires and got a mufuggin ALIGNMENT
(b*tches love alignments)”

“This 2002 Mazda Protege5 is the utter apex of automobile craftsmanship -a relic of a bygone era when a car was more than just a car.” 

“Just as us mortals are tirelessly attempting to better ourselves, the p5 must also be made better. As Jesus said, ‘no person or car is perfect.'”

“I watched the 16 year old kid at the tire farm pick the two best damn tires off the top branch of the tire tree, and let me tell you what, these tires a fresh AF. Premium, non-GMO tires.”

“If you can’t drive a stick, you aint shit and must close this tab, turn off your device, crawl from your current location to the top of Haleakala and flog yourself while begging forgiveness for being such an uncultured, ignorant, pitiful worm.” 

“…it has those plastic things that keep rain from getting in when you have the windows cracked as you gasp for breath after hotboxing the damn thing.”

“keywords: flavor mobile, dream machine, pussy wagon, meat wagon, decrepit jalopy, beef bus, pork truck, space ship”

Click for Craigslist ad
Kahana, HI (Maui)
$2,100

 

 

Ad text:

*UPDATE*
The beast now has two brand new front tires and got a mufuggin ALIGNMENT
(b*tches love alignments)

protege
noun
a person who is guided and supported by an older and more experienced or influential person.

YOU are experienced. YOU are influential. They say when the student is ready, the master will appear…and this student is patiently awaiting its new master.
This 2002 Mazda Protege5 is the utter apex of automobile craftsmanship -a relic of a bygone era when a car was more than just a car. The p5 is a state of mind, the p5 is a lifestyle. I am approximately the 3rd caretaker of this machine, and although it has served me diligently, it has learned all that it can from myself and requires a new caretaker as it continues its journey.
Let us weigh the crows and prawns of this machine. Just as us mortals are tirelessly attempting to better ourselves, the p5 must also be made better. As Jesus said, “no person or car is perfect.”

Pros
– All tires are in excellent shape, especially the two in the front. I watched the 16 year old kid at the tire farm pick the two best damn tires off the top branch of the tire tree, and let me tell you what, these tires a fresh AF. Premium, non-GMO tires.
– Brand spanking new windshield, because it is imperative to clearly see where the asphalt river of life is taking you.
– Safety and registration current, because without law and order, we would be no better than feces-flinging, tree dwelling simians. You’re not a simian, are you? If so, this machine is not for you.
– Brakes and e-brake are superb. Minimal brake burns and drifting have been conducted under my watch.
– When this vehicle came into my life, it felt like the left wheel was on the brink of flying off. The nice Russian fellow at Lahaina Foreign Auto installed a new hub and bearing and stated that the wheel was indeed about to fly off and was essentially “hanging on by a pube”.
– All electronics work.
– Stereo has auxiliary input as well as USB. The p5’s favorite music is hard and fast European Drum & Bass. D n’ B is life.
– The p5 is equipped with a manual transmission, shifts flawlessly, and gets an astounding 25mpg, sometimes. If you can’t drive a stick, you aint shit and must close this tab, turn off your device, crawl from your current location to the top of Haleakala and flog yourself while begging forgiveness for being such an uncultured, ignorant, pitiful worm. All is not lost, but you have some serious work to do bruddah.
– Under the hood, all is functioning as it should. Shit’s tight.
– Has roofracks. You love to send it, obvi, and the p5 is prepared for that.
– Flat black rims, slightly tinted windows, and it has those plastic things that keep rain from getting in when you have the windows cracked as you gasp for breath after hotboxing the damn thing. I’ve never smoked a marijuana before, and needless to say I’ve never smoked in the sacred p5…but you can, I don’t friggin give a heck.

Cons
– perhaps the only existing issue is that one of the front shocks aint as great as it could be. To quote the nice Russian fellow at Lahaina Foreign Auto (spoken with thick Russian accent), “This is not too big of a problem.” I have adjusted to refraining from hitting speed bumps at 45 mph and all is well. Performs excellent on the highway.
– AC doesn’t work, deal with it. You’ll survive. Windows all work, so there’s that.

The mighty p5 unexpectedly came into my life in February, and for me, it has served its purpose. Now, it’s your turn. If you are ready for this responsibility, the price is $2,100 or best offer in American cold hard cash, in person. Must have cash to test drive.
Text 2five three, 5l4, o20 one. If ad is up, it’s still for sale.

Opportunity is waiting.

keywords: flavor mobile, dream machine, pussy wagon, meat wagon, decrepit jalopy, beef bus, pork truck, space ship

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